Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
they're like a gay fantastic four
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
