I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
