Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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