Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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