just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
