Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
