Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
