He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
