She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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