I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
