Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
