if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
