can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
