you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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