i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
