Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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