I'm so fucking centered right now
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
