My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
