Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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