Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
