After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?