My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?