I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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