Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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