Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
