cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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