The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
