pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
