Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
