we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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