i think my tv is drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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