Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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