Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
so much tequila, so little girl.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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