You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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