where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
