When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We left an ass print on the piano.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
