On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
