she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
