Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
