That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
