I'm gonna have a badass scar
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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