I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's official drugs can't kill me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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