i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
