I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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