super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
