i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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