You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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