I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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