we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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