My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
