i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
