She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
