just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
