Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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