Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
