I think I won the penis lottery.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize