So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
