Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
