Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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